ANYWAY. Day 3 of the Momentum Challenge asks us to answer this question:
What's the one thing you're most afraid of when it comes to giving your gifts to the world?
I am afraid of rejection. That I am not good enough. Not only rejection from others- but rejection of myself. I am not perfect. And I mess up, and I can get downright utterly screwed up. That hurts. And it's scary. I don't like failing.
I've been working with a great mentor since the beginning of the year, doing what is called 'Body Codes' or 'The Emotion Code' and something that's come up more than once, is "Creative insecurity" -at some point, I've extended myself, and not had those around me acknowledge my achievement, or even belittle it. And that has colored the way I approach the rest of my life.
The graphic for today's challenge reads Get Honest: Dissolving and Making Peace With Your Limits.
I have to tell you- that's scary. A lot. When my husband and I first got married, he said to me, quite a few times "I always thought I'd marry a woman like my mother, but really you remind me more of my Aunt Marion." That's not really a compliment people. He and his aunt got along like oil and water, nails on a chalkboard, and a naughty little boy with an aunt who wasn't quite sure how to speak his love language. At all. He viewed her as the weaker of his two mother-figures, the one who didn't, and doesn't, have a great grasp on her life. The one who is needy and demanding and sometimes often unreasonable. That's what I heard when he'd say that phrase to me. Because essentially that's what he'd said regarding her, in different conversations. That she was weaker and less independent than his mother.
And I remember thinking, well then why did you marry me if I wasn't what you were looking for?
But the simple fact is, HE FOUND SOMETHING IN ME WORTH IT. He married me, bothered to make commitments that will be here through the rest of our lives, and go far beyond the grave. And he did that knowing that I'm the messy screw-up that I am.
I need to remember that more often.
Because there really are days when I wonder what in the world I bring to this life that makes me so essential. I used to think I had it more together- but life takes it's toll, and sometimes it's hard to be strong enough to keep up with it. Let alone feel like you're enriching the lives of those around you.
But then, talking with my mentor the other day- I had a minor epiphany.
We were discussing the fact that I often feel like I don't add value to this life- and she said something along these lines: 'Yes but LeAndra, think of [she went on to name a few special needs people we both have in our lives] and the fact that they bring such enrichment just being themselves. No one would ever say they didn't contribute to the lives of those who know them. You cannot say that you do not enrich the lives of those who know you- you're dismissing yourself' And she's right. If those precious angels God sent here to live lives that are 'impaired' from 'normal', can bring such love and light to those around them, who am I, a perfectly healthy, functioning individual, to degrade myself by saying I don't know how I help those around me.
I have a lot to contribute. I do. I can, and do, love SO many people in my life. I can, and do, pray for many people I don't even know personally. I make better, the lives of those around me, simply by being myself. And being true to myself.
Suddenly gifting to this world doesn't seem so scary anymore, does it?
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