Now, this word hold special meaning to my family history- and so I decided to look up the actual definition, which is as follows- Manifesto- a public declaration of policy and aims.
Hmmm. So this is something I make known to the world. Which, I yet again have a little bit of a different take on, but more about that later. It's not something I only think of every so often and yet doesn't ever quite come to enough light as to make a big difference. This is me, publicly, out loud, where others can hear & know, saying what I'm striving for.
Then the challenge goes on to ask us to answer this question:
What is my deepest reason for offering my gift?
Well remembering my gift from yesterday:
"I want to leave behind a legacy of service and love. A life full of gospel living and righteousness."
I would have to say the deepest reason for offering my gift, would have to be for my children.
You probably didn't know this, but my husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and like I've said countless times, to countless people 'We've never not tried to have kids'. It just hasn't happened yet. That is almost 1500 days of my life that have been spent with some level of heartbreak & longing for a dream that has yet to be fulfilled.
I have health problems, inherited ones, that play a definite role in preventing our getting pregnant. It's only happened once, and those were the greatest 5 days of my life. Before my body was no longer able to handle the changes and decided to let my baby go. That was hard. And it's taken me a long time to be able to get to the point where I stopped hating my body and feeling frustrated that I was 'broken'.
I come from an environment where family is a big thing. Literally & figuratively. I am the oldest of my mother's 11 children, and my husband comes from a similarly large family. It has been HARD to field all the questions from well-meaning friends and family members who, after the allotted period of time, expected us to start popping out babies. Talk about a lot of awkward conversations and tears from thoughtless comments.
I come from an environment where family is a big thing. Literally & figuratively. I am the oldest of my mother's 11 children, and my husband comes from a similarly large family. It has been HARD to field all the questions from well-meaning friends and family members who, after the allotted period of time, expected us to start popping out babies. Talk about a lot of awkward conversations and tears from thoughtless comments.
I am blessed to have a lot of 'adopted' children in my life. The last 8 of my dad's kids, are 'mine' too, and my darling sister & brother-in-law have been SO amazingly gracious in letting me play a big role in their two daughters lives. That helps.
I am on the road to recovery and finding a cure. I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago that has got me feeling like I'm on the right track, and that there is tangible hope for the future, rather than the kind of hope that is so quiet and scared of being crushed, that you don't even dare to speak of it.
If I can get healthy, and learn enough about how to fix this generational weakness, that none of my daughters or granddaughters will ever have to go through the same heartbreak I've had, all my struggles will be worth even more.
I am doing this for my children. Those ones who are yet to be born. If I can live my life in a way that they will be PROUD to call me mother, that would mean the world. To be able to be the kind of person who leads by example, rather than giving lip service to some great ideal that has never really been 'mine'. I need to own this. In order to have the impact that I want on the world.
Decide, THIS IS ME.
And make it happen.
My youngest sister and I at the dinner after the funeral yesterday. This is what I live for :)
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