Journey to the Golden Fleece, Module 1

Okay.  So it's only been a few months.
I'm currently participating in a Fiber Creativity Course called Journey to the Golden Fleece, written by Arlene Thayer and Suzy Brown.  While I don't know either, both are well respected voices in the Fiber Arts community. It's been great.  I paid the sign up fee, and promptly pretty much fell off the face of the earth.  We have 6 weeks to finish each module, and I'm pretty sure this one is due in less than 7 days.  That being said, I did manage to get the module 1 workbook printed out a while ago.  It's just sat in yet another pile of yarn in my room.
So tonight I sat down and decided it would be a marvelous idea if I was able to get things sorted.  I'd already read through the synopsis of where the course was going to take us, and watched many many many different and lovely yarns posted to the Facebook group page.  Don't talk to me about the forum that's on the official website, I went there I think twice, it scared me both times, (only because it was going to take brain power to figure out how to post things) and so I haven't been back since.  Well, that and I've been insanely busy and yet feeling like I'm getting nothing done.
That being said.  I am in the middle of prepping the fiber to spin.  I've got 6 rolags ready and waiting.  Well- technically 5 because I spun the one up just to make sure that this was the direction I wanted to go with my yarn. And it is.  It's definitely different than what I'd necessarily pictured in my head.  In fact, as I was jotting down notes in the workbook I thought 'dang it, I really wish I had some locks that I could dye into the right shades and all that'  oh dear.....  but turns out, when it all comes down to it, this yarn wants to be a relatively normal yarn- not so artsy or anything like that.  Because that's not who I am, or rather, who I was.
This is my beginning.  I decided to pick the time in my life as I was preparing for marriage.  Because really, that's pretty much the linchpin in this 'Adventure' I'm on.
My adventure is one with a heartache that isn't resolved, and I thank God every day that my story is not over yet.  Because as I've gone through this, I've been able to find the places where I've needed to be.  By accident or grand design, I know I'm doing the right things.  It's taken over 4 years and a lifetime to get here, but I've had greater peace in the last few months, than I've known the whole rest of our marriage.
I am married to the most amazing, wonderful man.  He also happens to be my best friend.  I'd recommend everyone marry someone who is their best friend.  It makes things a lot easier :)
We both come from big families, and both really want children.
What you might not know, is that in both of our families, we have women who suffer from Endometriosis.
I hate that word by the way. I hate what it means, and the heartache and pain it represents.  For the longest time, and I do mean quite a long while- I was great at denying the fact that I more than likely had it. Nevermind the fact that I was down for DAYS each month with debilitating pain, had some of the craziest hormonal mood swings, and oh yeah, it runs in the family.
I'd decided that I was scared of it, and so that wasn't me.  Disassociation.  You've heard of it.
That was me.
But that's another story.  This yarn, this module, is addressing the start of my call to adventure.  The moment we leave what once was, for something that will never be the same.  That's what this yarn is going to represent.
It is late, I am tired, Dear Boy is already asleep, and there is no way I'm going to be able to finish this yarn tonight, so I'll have to include more details about it later.
Sleep well world, and may your dreams be those that are full of hope and wonder.

Day 2

Today's Momentum Challenge is this: Publish a small manifesto.

Now, this word hold special meaning to my family history- and so I decided to look up the actual definition, which is as follows- Manifesto- a public declaration of policy and aims.

Hmmm. So this is something I make known to the world. Which, I yet again have a little bit of a different take on, but more about that later. It's not something I only think of every so often and yet doesn't ever quite come to enough light as to make a big difference.  This is me, publicly, out loud, where others can hear & know, saying what I'm striving for.

Then the challenge goes on to ask us to answer this question: 

What is my deepest reason for offering my gift?

Well remembering my gift from yesterday: 

"I want to leave behind a legacy of service and love. A life full of gospel living and righteousness."  

I would have to say the deepest reason for offering my gift, would have to be for my children.

You probably didn't know this, but my husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and like I've said countless times, to countless people 'We've never not tried to have kids'.  It just hasn't happened yet.  That is almost 1500 days of my life that have been spent with some level of heartbreak & longing for a dream that has yet to be fulfilled.

I have health problems, inherited ones, that play a definite role in preventing our getting pregnant.  It's only happened once, and those were the greatest 5 days of my life. Before my body was no longer able to handle the changes and decided to let my baby go. That was hard.  And it's taken me a long time to be able to get to the point where I stopped hating my body and feeling frustrated that I was 'broken'.
I come from an environment where family is a big thing.  Literally & figuratively.  I am the oldest of my mother's 11 children, and my husband comes from a similarly large family. It has been HARD to field all the questions from well-meaning friends and family members who, after the allotted period of time, expected us to start popping out babies.  Talk about a lot of awkward conversations and tears from thoughtless comments.

I am blessed to have a lot of 'adopted' children in my life.  The last 8 of my dad's kids, are 'mine' too, and my darling sister & brother-in-law have been SO amazingly gracious in letting me play a big role in their two daughters lives.  That helps.

I am on the road to recovery and finding a cure.  I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago that has got me feeling like I'm on the right track, and that there is tangible hope for the future, rather than the kind of hope that is so quiet and scared of being crushed, that you don't even dare to speak of it.

If I can get healthy, and learn enough about how to fix this generational weakness, that none of my daughters or granddaughters will ever have to go through the same heartbreak I've had, all my struggles will be worth even more.

I am doing this for my children.  Those ones who are yet to be born.  If I can live my life in a way that they will be PROUD to call me mother, that would mean the world.  To be able to be the kind of person who leads by example, rather than giving lip service to some great ideal that has never really been 'mine'.  I need to own this. In order to have the impact that I want on the world. 

Decide, THIS IS ME.  

And make it happen.

My youngest sister and I at the dinner after the funeral yesterday.  This is what I live for :)