....And then life happens

Well.  Yeah, it's been a while.  This last week and a half was crazy busy for me, the house is a disaster, the grocery shopping is not done, the laundry needs some intervention..... and yet all that angst for 3 orders total at the local fundraiser.   Umm..... great.  I suppose that's something, and I learned a lot about what I need to prioritize, so I can't say I regret it, I just maybe had hopes that it would be a little bit more of a success?
ANYWAY.  Day 3 of the Momentum Challenge asks us to answer this question:

What's the one thing you're most afraid of when it comes to giving your gifts to the world?

I am afraid of rejection.  That I am not good enough.  Not only rejection from others- but rejection of myself.  I am not perfect.  And I mess up, and I can get downright utterly screwed up.  That hurts.  And it's scary.  I don't like failing.
I've been working with a great mentor since the beginning of the year, doing what is called 'Body Codes' or 'The Emotion Code' and something that's come up more than once, is "Creative insecurity" -at some point, I've extended myself, and not had those around me acknowledge my achievement, or even belittle it.  And that has colored the way I approach the rest of my life.

The graphic for today's challenge reads Get Honest: Dissolving and Making Peace With Your Limits.
I have to tell you- that's scary.  A lot.  When my husband and I first got married, he said to me, quite a few times "I always thought I'd marry a woman like my mother, but really you remind me more of my Aunt Marion."  That's not really a compliment people.  He and his aunt got along like oil and water, nails on a chalkboard, and a naughty little boy with an aunt who wasn't quite sure how to speak his love language. At all.  He viewed her as the weaker of his two mother-figures, the one who didn't, and doesn't, have a great grasp on her life. The one who is needy and demanding and sometimes often unreasonable.  That's what I heard when he'd say that phrase to me.  Because essentially that's what he'd said regarding her, in different conversations.  That she was weaker and less independent than his mother.
And I remember thinking, well then why did you marry me if I wasn't what you were looking for?
But the simple fact is, HE FOUND SOMETHING IN ME WORTH IT. He married me, bothered to make commitments that will be here through the rest of our lives, and go far beyond the grave. And he did that knowing that I'm the messy screw-up that I am.
I need to remember that more often.

Because there really are days when I wonder what in the world I bring to this life that makes me so essential. I used to think I had it more together- but life takes it's toll, and sometimes it's hard to be strong enough to keep up with it. Let alone feel like you're enriching the lives of those around you.
But then, talking with my mentor the other day- I had a minor epiphany.
We were discussing the fact that I often feel like I don't add value to this life- and she said something along these lines: 'Yes but LeAndra, think of [she went on to name a few special needs people we both have in our lives] and the fact that they bring such enrichment just being themselves. No one would ever say they didn't contribute to the lives of those who know them. You cannot say that you do not enrich the lives of those who know you- you're dismissing yourself'  And she's right.  If those precious angels God sent here to live lives that are 'impaired' from 'normal', can bring such love and light to those around them, who am I, a perfectly healthy, functioning individual, to degrade myself by saying I don't know how I help those around me. 
I have a lot to contribute. I do. I can, and do, love SO many people in my life. I can, and do, pray for many people I don't even know personally. I make better, the lives of those around me, simply by being myself. And being true to myself.

Suddenly gifting to this world doesn't seem so scary anymore, does it?

Day 2

Today's Momentum Challenge is this: Publish a small manifesto.

Now, this word hold special meaning to my family history- and so I decided to look up the actual definition, which is as follows- Manifesto- a public declaration of policy and aims.

Hmmm. So this is something I make known to the world. Which, I yet again have a little bit of a different take on, but more about that later. It's not something I only think of every so often and yet doesn't ever quite come to enough light as to make a big difference.  This is me, publicly, out loud, where others can hear & know, saying what I'm striving for.

Then the challenge goes on to ask us to answer this question: 

What is my deepest reason for offering my gift?

Well remembering my gift from yesterday: 

"I want to leave behind a legacy of service and love. A life full of gospel living and righteousness."  

I would have to say the deepest reason for offering my gift, would have to be for my children.

You probably didn't know this, but my husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and like I've said countless times, to countless people 'We've never not tried to have kids'.  It just hasn't happened yet.  That is almost 1500 days of my life that have been spent with some level of heartbreak & longing for a dream that has yet to be fulfilled.

I have health problems, inherited ones, that play a definite role in preventing our getting pregnant.  It's only happened once, and those were the greatest 5 days of my life. Before my body was no longer able to handle the changes and decided to let my baby go. That was hard.  And it's taken me a long time to be able to get to the point where I stopped hating my body and feeling frustrated that I was 'broken'.
I come from an environment where family is a big thing.  Literally & figuratively.  I am the oldest of my mother's 11 children, and my husband comes from a similarly large family. It has been HARD to field all the questions from well-meaning friends and family members who, after the allotted period of time, expected us to start popping out babies.  Talk about a lot of awkward conversations and tears from thoughtless comments.

I am blessed to have a lot of 'adopted' children in my life.  The last 8 of my dad's kids, are 'mine' too, and my darling sister & brother-in-law have been SO amazingly gracious in letting me play a big role in their two daughters lives.  That helps.

I am on the road to recovery and finding a cure.  I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago that has got me feeling like I'm on the right track, and that there is tangible hope for the future, rather than the kind of hope that is so quiet and scared of being crushed, that you don't even dare to speak of it.

If I can get healthy, and learn enough about how to fix this generational weakness, that none of my daughters or granddaughters will ever have to go through the same heartbreak I've had, all my struggles will be worth even more.

I am doing this for my children.  Those ones who are yet to be born.  If I can live my life in a way that they will be PROUD to call me mother, that would mean the world.  To be able to be the kind of person who leads by example, rather than giving lip service to some great ideal that has never really been 'mine'.  I need to own this. In order to have the impact that I want on the world. 

Decide, THIS IS ME.  

And make it happen.

My youngest sister and I at the dinner after the funeral yesterday.  This is what I live for :)