Journey to the Golden Fleece, Module 1

Okay.  So it's only been a few months.
I'm currently participating in a Fiber Creativity Course called Journey to the Golden Fleece, written by Arlene Thayer and Suzy Brown.  While I don't know either, both are well respected voices in the Fiber Arts community. It's been great.  I paid the sign up fee, and promptly pretty much fell off the face of the earth.  We have 6 weeks to finish each module, and I'm pretty sure this one is due in less than 7 days.  That being said, I did manage to get the module 1 workbook printed out a while ago.  It's just sat in yet another pile of yarn in my room.
So tonight I sat down and decided it would be a marvelous idea if I was able to get things sorted.  I'd already read through the synopsis of where the course was going to take us, and watched many many many different and lovely yarns posted to the Facebook group page.  Don't talk to me about the forum that's on the official website, I went there I think twice, it scared me both times, (only because it was going to take brain power to figure out how to post things) and so I haven't been back since.  Well, that and I've been insanely busy and yet feeling like I'm getting nothing done.
That being said.  I am in the middle of prepping the fiber to spin.  I've got 6 rolags ready and waiting.  Well- technically 5 because I spun the one up just to make sure that this was the direction I wanted to go with my yarn. And it is.  It's definitely different than what I'd necessarily pictured in my head.  In fact, as I was jotting down notes in the workbook I thought 'dang it, I really wish I had some locks that I could dye into the right shades and all that'  oh dear.....  but turns out, when it all comes down to it, this yarn wants to be a relatively normal yarn- not so artsy or anything like that.  Because that's not who I am, or rather, who I was.
This is my beginning.  I decided to pick the time in my life as I was preparing for marriage.  Because really, that's pretty much the linchpin in this 'Adventure' I'm on.
My adventure is one with a heartache that isn't resolved, and I thank God every day that my story is not over yet.  Because as I've gone through this, I've been able to find the places where I've needed to be.  By accident or grand design, I know I'm doing the right things.  It's taken over 4 years and a lifetime to get here, but I've had greater peace in the last few months, than I've known the whole rest of our marriage.
I am married to the most amazing, wonderful man.  He also happens to be my best friend.  I'd recommend everyone marry someone who is their best friend.  It makes things a lot easier :)
We both come from big families, and both really want children.
What you might not know, is that in both of our families, we have women who suffer from Endometriosis.
I hate that word by the way. I hate what it means, and the heartache and pain it represents.  For the longest time, and I do mean quite a long while- I was great at denying the fact that I more than likely had it. Nevermind the fact that I was down for DAYS each month with debilitating pain, had some of the craziest hormonal mood swings, and oh yeah, it runs in the family.
I'd decided that I was scared of it, and so that wasn't me.  Disassociation.  You've heard of it.
That was me.
But that's another story.  This yarn, this module, is addressing the start of my call to adventure.  The moment we leave what once was, for something that will never be the same.  That's what this yarn is going to represent.
It is late, I am tired, Dear Boy is already asleep, and there is no way I'm going to be able to finish this yarn tonight, so I'll have to include more details about it later.
Sleep well world, and may your dreams be those that are full of hope and wonder.

....And then life happens

Well.  Yeah, it's been a while.  This last week and a half was crazy busy for me, the house is a disaster, the grocery shopping is not done, the laundry needs some intervention..... and yet all that angst for 3 orders total at the local fundraiser.   Umm..... great.  I suppose that's something, and I learned a lot about what I need to prioritize, so I can't say I regret it, I just maybe had hopes that it would be a little bit more of a success?
ANYWAY.  Day 3 of the Momentum Challenge asks us to answer this question:

What's the one thing you're most afraid of when it comes to giving your gifts to the world?

I am afraid of rejection.  That I am not good enough.  Not only rejection from others- but rejection of myself.  I am not perfect.  And I mess up, and I can get downright utterly screwed up.  That hurts.  And it's scary.  I don't like failing.
I've been working with a great mentor since the beginning of the year, doing what is called 'Body Codes' or 'The Emotion Code' and something that's come up more than once, is "Creative insecurity" -at some point, I've extended myself, and not had those around me acknowledge my achievement, or even belittle it.  And that has colored the way I approach the rest of my life.

The graphic for today's challenge reads Get Honest: Dissolving and Making Peace With Your Limits.
I have to tell you- that's scary.  A lot.  When my husband and I first got married, he said to me, quite a few times "I always thought I'd marry a woman like my mother, but really you remind me more of my Aunt Marion."  That's not really a compliment people.  He and his aunt got along like oil and water, nails on a chalkboard, and a naughty little boy with an aunt who wasn't quite sure how to speak his love language. At all.  He viewed her as the weaker of his two mother-figures, the one who didn't, and doesn't, have a great grasp on her life. The one who is needy and demanding and sometimes often unreasonable.  That's what I heard when he'd say that phrase to me.  Because essentially that's what he'd said regarding her, in different conversations.  That she was weaker and less independent than his mother.
And I remember thinking, well then why did you marry me if I wasn't what you were looking for?
But the simple fact is, HE FOUND SOMETHING IN ME WORTH IT. He married me, bothered to make commitments that will be here through the rest of our lives, and go far beyond the grave. And he did that knowing that I'm the messy screw-up that I am.
I need to remember that more often.

Because there really are days when I wonder what in the world I bring to this life that makes me so essential. I used to think I had it more together- but life takes it's toll, and sometimes it's hard to be strong enough to keep up with it. Let alone feel like you're enriching the lives of those around you.
But then, talking with my mentor the other day- I had a minor epiphany.
We were discussing the fact that I often feel like I don't add value to this life- and she said something along these lines: 'Yes but LeAndra, think of [she went on to name a few special needs people we both have in our lives] and the fact that they bring such enrichment just being themselves. No one would ever say they didn't contribute to the lives of those who know them. You cannot say that you do not enrich the lives of those who know you- you're dismissing yourself'  And she's right.  If those precious angels God sent here to live lives that are 'impaired' from 'normal', can bring such love and light to those around them, who am I, a perfectly healthy, functioning individual, to degrade myself by saying I don't know how I help those around me. 
I have a lot to contribute. I do. I can, and do, love SO many people in my life. I can, and do, pray for many people I don't even know personally. I make better, the lives of those around me, simply by being myself. And being true to myself.

Suddenly gifting to this world doesn't seem so scary anymore, does it?

Day 2

Today's Momentum Challenge is this: Publish a small manifesto.

Now, this word hold special meaning to my family history- and so I decided to look up the actual definition, which is as follows- Manifesto- a public declaration of policy and aims.

Hmmm. So this is something I make known to the world. Which, I yet again have a little bit of a different take on, but more about that later. It's not something I only think of every so often and yet doesn't ever quite come to enough light as to make a big difference.  This is me, publicly, out loud, where others can hear & know, saying what I'm striving for.

Then the challenge goes on to ask us to answer this question: 

What is my deepest reason for offering my gift?

Well remembering my gift from yesterday: 

"I want to leave behind a legacy of service and love. A life full of gospel living and righteousness."  

I would have to say the deepest reason for offering my gift, would have to be for my children.

You probably didn't know this, but my husband and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and like I've said countless times, to countless people 'We've never not tried to have kids'.  It just hasn't happened yet.  That is almost 1500 days of my life that have been spent with some level of heartbreak & longing for a dream that has yet to be fulfilled.

I have health problems, inherited ones, that play a definite role in preventing our getting pregnant.  It's only happened once, and those were the greatest 5 days of my life. Before my body was no longer able to handle the changes and decided to let my baby go. That was hard.  And it's taken me a long time to be able to get to the point where I stopped hating my body and feeling frustrated that I was 'broken'.
I come from an environment where family is a big thing.  Literally & figuratively.  I am the oldest of my mother's 11 children, and my husband comes from a similarly large family. It has been HARD to field all the questions from well-meaning friends and family members who, after the allotted period of time, expected us to start popping out babies.  Talk about a lot of awkward conversations and tears from thoughtless comments.

I am blessed to have a lot of 'adopted' children in my life.  The last 8 of my dad's kids, are 'mine' too, and my darling sister & brother-in-law have been SO amazingly gracious in letting me play a big role in their two daughters lives.  That helps.

I am on the road to recovery and finding a cure.  I had a breakthrough a few weeks ago that has got me feeling like I'm on the right track, and that there is tangible hope for the future, rather than the kind of hope that is so quiet and scared of being crushed, that you don't even dare to speak of it.

If I can get healthy, and learn enough about how to fix this generational weakness, that none of my daughters or granddaughters will ever have to go through the same heartbreak I've had, all my struggles will be worth even more.

I am doing this for my children.  Those ones who are yet to be born.  If I can live my life in a way that they will be PROUD to call me mother, that would mean the world.  To be able to be the kind of person who leads by example, rather than giving lip service to some great ideal that has never really been 'mine'.  I need to own this. In order to have the impact that I want on the world. 

Decide, THIS IS ME.  

And make it happen.

My youngest sister and I at the dinner after the funeral yesterday.  This is what I live for :)

Day 1

Whew!  It's been a bit.  But today is the beginning of the 21 Day Momentum Challenge, hosted by Jonathan and Dustin.  Christiane from ThreeRavens invited her friends (of which I am one lucky gal) to join her in this and I signed up.
Since the captureyour365 challenge is on hold right now (mostly because I just haven't even hit play yet)  I figured I could use the blog to document my journey on this particular venture.
And today's challenge is this: Imagine you'll die in a year, what is one gift you'd like to leave behind to the world when you're gone?

I have to admit.  I laughed and cried a little bit when I opened the email.  Mostly because, today I watched a family very dear to me bury their 13 year old daughter, sister, aunt, & friend.  So this whole dying thing, is very real to me right now.  And it kind of surprised me that instead of taking a business standpoint from the beginning, this challenge is going to look at ME.  Because my first thoughts are not about my business.  That is not the most important gift, or even on the list of my top 10.

My answer is this:  I want to leave behind a legacy of service and love.  A life full of gospel living and righteousness.
That is the gift I want to leave behind.

Which has nothing to do with how many sales I make in a month, how many projects I manage to finish spinning/crocheting/knitting, or even how often I promote my business.  It has to do with ME.
I often forget to take care of that person you know?  The one who needs to eat, think, and breathe, in this life.  It's pretty easy to neglect her on this pursuit through this crazy maze of the human existence.  Thanks for the reminder.

This picture, represents as best it can, things that go with my answer.  And yes, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was blessed to be born to a family who knows the fullness of the gospel, and I have the opportunity and privilege to live my life in a manner that is most pleasing to my Heavenly Father.  That includes taking the principles found in the scriptures and applying them in my life, as well as living up to the covenants I've made between Him, myself, and my husband (thus the ring.)  Eternal promises between God and I, that will bring me the greatest blessings if I do my best to keep them.  That's why I'm here on this earth, that is why I am me, and what I desire the most.  Now to live my life in a manner that magnifies this goal of mine. To live a life full, that when I'm gone, those who are still here will remember the good that I've done.

Welcome!

Hi there!  It's been a while since I've been blogging, and lots of life has changed- a big one that happened yesterday night, has got me off the lazy-train and feeling ambitious, so here is my new blog. Ta-da!
It's the 4th of October, which means there is just a week until my momma's birthday, but it also means that this year is almost over.
I'm sure you've seen those 'photo a day' challenges floating around.  Well, I've always wanted to do one, but by the time I remember, it's usually the middle of the month or something crazy like that.  So I decided 'Hey, I'm unique, and I'm me, so I will just take this at my own pace.'  Thus this brain-child was born. The challenge I decided to pick was the captureyour365 photo challenge list.  And yes, I'm starting in on the January list, thankyouverymuch.
Every day (well, I'll try) I'll be posting a different picture having to do with the word assigned to that day.  These are not going to make sense to some, but they will all be very personal and dear to my heart in their meanings and symbolism. Interspersed there might be tidbits of what I'm going through right now, or memories that I just HAVE to share.  I hope you find something to uplift you and make you smile.  Thanks for dropping by!